The Academic Bloodbath

At the end of each semester students, faculty, and the academic "tweenies" known as graduate students enter what I like to refer to as the academic bloodbath. It begins just around the tenth week of the semester when students begin to realize how much work they didn't get done during the first ten weeks (and finally have a true revelation of what they need to get done in the next six) and faculty begin to panic because they realize they made their courses "bottom heavy," leading to excessive end of semester grading (if they don't have TAs grading for them). The graduate students get the luxury of enduring both, all in the name of tradition. We get to endure the panic of end of semester assignments that weren't clearly laid out in the syllabus, but instead e-mailed to us three weeks before they're due. If we're TAing for a professor and not our own courses, sure we don't have to present material in lecture form to the undergraduates (which I actually find to be the most enjoyable part of this gig), but we do get to "enjoy" the fact that the faculty in these kinds of programs can often forget what it was like to be a graduate student and still make the semesters "bottom heavy," meaning we get to pick up their slack in the most inconvenient time of our semester. Please don't mistake my identification of the common process as complaining (though my soul and heart DO feel the current weight of this semester's bloodbath and not wanting to complain has led to many evening glasses of Mascato). I'm simply wanting to address why we do what we do even though semester after semester the process (which could be altered with a few stratgey meetings between faculty and graduate students at large) takes its toll on our sanity, our health, and often any relationships we do happen to have. Why do we endure such things? We endure most of the things we endure as graduate students simply because years of tradition has told us it's the only way for us to emulate and somehow compare to our academic forefathers. It worked for Aristotle. It's how Thomas Jefferson did it.  Hovland made it work. Jung lived in his office. Why shouldn't we?

Many people classify graduate students as perpetual learners, some identify them as individuals who "can't figure out" what they want to do with their lives so they sit perpetually in a classroom hoping "to fatten themselves up on knowledge and the backs of those employed in the private sector" (yes, someone actually said this to me once). Admittedly, some individuals do simply want to be perpetual learners and instead of finding a way to contribute to the world outside of academia, they remain in it even though they have no desire (or real ability) to teach or conduct research or produce innovative ways of looking at knowledge. The best of the best know how to do both and do them well, without drawing attention to themselves for it. I believe it takes a combination of all three to make a professor truly stellar, and that's what we're learning to be: good professors. We've all had "that professor" who was a prolific scholar but taught horribly; "that professor" who had a captive audience in the classroom but couldn't obtain tenure because they weren't producing scholarship; and we've all had "that professor" who did both but constantly pointed it out and talked about how wonderfully they did it both in the classroom and their office, with a self-righteous, sly wink afterwards asking your "opinion" of them when they really just need to feel better about themselves. We can all identify professors who fit into each of these categories. It's few who can do all of these things and do them well, with an aire of humility. It's a lot to try and become.  

As graduate teaching assistants/associates, we're the backbone of many university systems- the individuals without whom low-cost education wouldn't be possible. Undergraduates couldn't receive the same level of education without costs being raised significantly and classes being cancelled (hence the expensive nature of small class size, with one faculty member teaching the class, liberal arts colleges that we'd all love to attend but most can't afford). Graduate students (collectively, not individually) make the university system go 'round. For those who are graduate students, particularly TAs, have you ever stopped to truly ask yourself WHY you're enduring this bloodbath, semester after semester, often feeling overworked and underappreciated?

I was at the point this week where, even though I'm a firm believer in actively choosing to embrace or change what life throws at you, I was ready to succomb to the bloodbath. Throw in the towel and say "screw all of this- I'm going into communication consulting where it LITERALLY pays to know this stuff, live it out, and teach it to others." Some of this could be in response to unforseen and ongoing physical ailments, but a lot of it is just pure exhaustion. An exhaustion that was catching up to me. Until today. I had a job interview for a summer position working with middle schoolers through a youth comapny. They offer week-long skills based courses on a range of topics to middle school students each summer and they need course instructors and youth mentors. I sat through an hour long interview answering questions about why I would want to teach these courses, mentoring youth,  and what value I think they would have for young people. Of course, I started with the typical whoo-hah, flim-flam we all do but the more questions I was asked, the more my passion for the knowledge I've gained and skills I've taught welled up within me. I found myself blurting out statements like, "We have skills that we can train others in, skills that will help them engage in all kinds of communication and relationship and rapport building, skills that if used well can better their relationships and chances at success!" And, for those in academia, skills that help us study all kinds of social-psychological communication phenomena through research. Skills that can TRULY change people's lives. If we can disseminate some of this knowledge, even in little bits, to even ONE other person and their world can be changed and broadened and brightened from it, we've done our job. Call me idealistic but I believe these things.

The bottom line is that as graduate student TAs we get the opportunity to change the world, one student at a time. It sounds cliche, it sounds idealistic, but can you imagine how much fervor we'd have if we can remind ourselves WHY we're in this? Your reason may not be the same as mine, but there was a reason and if it was a good one for you, it should be what keeps you going. I suddenly realized today that instead of having the crumby leftovers of the faculty and student world, we get (at least some of the time, if not most of it) the best of both worlds! We get to learn from the best (hopefully) faculty and share our life lessons and knowledge gained (thus far) with our undergraduate students in hopes that they will learn from our triumphs and mistakes and use the knowledge and skills we give them to better their lives. Suddenly, I'm reenergized (at least mentally...). I'm ready to tackle this bloodbath, come out alive, even if drenched in blood and guts, and overcome the other challenges that make this a little bit harder this time around. I'm realizing that we're not just having to repeat tradition. We're being conditioned. Conditioned to (hopefully) make a difference in the lives of students and the fields in which we find ourselves. And suddenly, the bloodbath doesn't seem to be approaching so quickly or with so much force. I'm not saying wine, exercise, and other dopamine releasing endeavors don't help... But getting back to our academic roots isn't something we allow ourselves to do quite as often.

I'll try anything once...

I've always been that person who thought that personal blogs were a desperate cry to have thoughts heard that couldn't be released anywhere and possibly didn't need to be heard. After reading and following the blogs of several friends who write about their life experiences, my views have shifted. What is it about blogging that draws so many people to upload their personal thoughts and ideas to the internet for thousands to see? I'm not quite sure I figured it out yet, other than to note that as humans we have a desperate longing to be heard and understood. We want to know that we matter. It's how we come into the the world, it's what drives to continue in this world, and while I haven't yet had personal experience in this, it's likely what will drive our last few breaths as we exit this world. 
I never thought my own experiences were any more special than someone else's but as I read, learn, and attempt to navigate my current PhD program, I am realizing that so much of my experience has shaped who I am today. And for the first time in my life, I am completely content with who I am and what I am doing. I wonder sometimes how I got here and I wonder sometimes if this feeling of contentment will last.
All I know for sure is that I'm willing to try anything once. So, at blogging I shall try.